Saturday, August 15, 2015

Dream on Little Boy, Because Even When You're Dying Slowly Inside, Your Dream Stays On...

When I started, heck, even before I've started, I was already been laugh off. Probably I would never be taken serious enough in this. I mean, first impression, right? Always so judgmental, and often so so very wrong. But I guess there aren't too many - or will there ever be - someone like me? I already forgive him, seeing for a fact that, without him, I probably will never even been here in the first place.

The time when I used to be young
It wasn't a smooth sailing. And I, for once, will never believe that for everything that anyone achieved, it is because they were born for it. Nu-uh, no way! There must be a hard time they had to endure to somehow reach there. The sacrifices, the pains, the sweats. The bad and the sweetest of memory, probably have to be mixed up before anyone can confidently said that they are successful in the field they are in.

A GrandMaster from Korea once compliment my kick. As a Taekwondoist, I can already drop dead smiling at tht time.

I think about my sacrifices as I type this. I guess the driving force is the desire to be with it. I don't mind doing things repetitively. I don't mind doing things that I don't understand at first, as long as I know it will bring me the goodness in the future. I don't mind doing these all alone. I don't mind the loneliness, because anyone else doesn't really matter, and I also came to term that, different people has different ways and struggles, therefore I can't hope for people to follow my exact footsteps. I don't mind that too. 

I don't mind it - the blood, sweat and tears. If I could repeat it all over again, I guess I'll be doing just that! 

Of two Masters that I have an honor to learn with.

Now, you see, at times, I still full of doubt over it. I'm thinking hard at times about it. "Am I doing this right?" "Is there a better way to do this?" "Why there are seems like there aren't any progress?" "Am I taking risk teaching them something wrong, or worst, something that isn't effective at all?"

It was there all the time.

Sometimes when I think about it, I wonder, why did I even get to this business. I used to watch kung-fu movies, like Kungfu Panda for example, and thinking about it myself, "Is it good to teach other people what I know and risked that they used it for something bad and totally for the wrong reason than the reason I taught them at the first place?" "Will I raised a hero, or will I raised a villain?" "Would they become so powerful that I had no hope to defeat them at all if they go off-trail?" Or, "Would I turn up be bad, and that's going to effect them, and would destroy their life as they know it?"

Above and below: The Next Generation.

I know what you're thinking, that I am over thinking. But I can't escape this.

The thing is, what makes it worth it? To whom did I really owe this, that makes me seems to work so hard - without complain - as if I was trying to pay back whatever it is I seems to be on debt with?

Sometimes I think about, will I ever being out of this thing? Will I ever quit? It makes me thinking about how did it all started? How and when did I decided that this is something I want to do for the rest of my life? What or / and who has led me to believe that, I should stay and keep doing this?

Visiting Kukkiwon in 2013 was a dream come true.

Why did I feel like this is the most satisfying thing that I ever do, and why did I feel like I can live with this and forget about almost everything else in this world?

What pain me is that, as I type all those questions, my memory played-back to the moment where all of the questions been answered. Turns out, I know all along the answer for all that. This at least proved that, all that I ever did here (in Taekwondo) is from my own consciousness. And that is a good thing.

To be honest, at this length of this writing, I almost forgot already about why I wrote this at the first place. I guess it was that I was trying to find some meaning to it. Some reason, or some whatever, to justify everything it is. I wonder, I mean, if you can go back in time, and see 10 years old me, and you tell him that, "One day you're going to learn martial art, get black belt in it, have a school of students, and some will even genuinely look up to you, and some would probably didn't even want to see you in eyes anymore (for whatever reason it was?)." I know for a fact that he will be laughing off at you.

That's how far I came. From a boy who think martial arts are stupid in the era of guns, here I am, thinking about, how can I even get by without this kind of knowledge for a second?

I am here now. It wasn't easy.

To be fair, it wasn't the best achievement anyone ever achieved either. I can do something else in my life. In fact, instructor wasn't something I dream of about to become when I started it or ever in my life. I was even been mock as not good enough, been laugh off even at the idea of joining the art. I guess I can given up then. But I don't. I also can given up during all those years they make fun of my preference, but I don't. I can given up when - even after getting my first Dan - I couldn't even won a single sparring match, but I don't. I can given up after school years, going into matriculation, and without a proper training for a year, but I don't. I can given up when, while looking for Taekwondo club in my university during the Club Registration Week, where I can't find where the hell was Taekwondo booth at that time, but I don't. I can given up when, I came to realization that my university Taekwondo club and instructor wasn't an easy place to be and that even my junior belts sometimes better and have more potential than I am, but I don't. 

People come and go, but I stay. I'm not given up, and truth is, I can't see myself doing something else and be happy, more than I am when I'm doing this art.

And did I ask is it worth it?

Of course it is. With every single breath and every single beating of my heart beat...

Taekwondo, 5th Dan CMK
Taekwondo, 4th Dan Kukkiwon.