Tuesday, September 15, 2015


Have you ever wonder, why you are here?

Why are you at where you are now, at this exact location, at this exact moment. What are you supposed to influence to? What sort of chain-of-events will you triggered, by simply being there?

Everything happens for a reason, or at least we tend to believe so. But what is the reason? And is it significance enough, - when, after all being said and done - compared to the vast size of our universe?

Are we just a speck of life? Because universe is vast? What if, we are really alone in this Universe. Wasn't now we become the only one that matter?

And then, it came to the first question again; why am I here? What was I supposed to do here, at this exact location, and at this exact moment?

Everybody probably going through life believing that they are the main character of their own stories. But what if our lives turn out to be the exact opposite?

The fact is, my life probably was never about me. My fights were always for someone or something else. My action is for a greater purposes that won't even serve me back. My position is to serve others so that they can serve better. I am the supportive actor for the supportive actors and actresses . They themselves probably will never be at the center stage, but I probably never being out of their shadows at all...

Is the reason I am here, at this exact location and at this exact moment is to influence something even bigger, that I can't even see it yet? Is it by this writing?

Or is it really for nothing? An exercise in futile. A speck of dust in even a less-significance speck of dust?

Man, that would be hell...

T/t: Tears me open. I believe, God will send you all to bleed. God will send you all to tear me open...

Saturday, August 15, 2015

Dream on Little Boy, Because Even When You're Dying Slowly Inside, Your Dream Stays On...

When I started, heck, even before I've started, I was already been laugh off. Probably I would never be taken serious enough in this. I mean, first impression, right? Always so judgmental, and often so so very wrong. But I guess there aren't too many - or will there ever be - someone like me? I already forgive him, seeing for a fact that, without him, I probably will never even been here in the first place.

The time when I used to be young
It wasn't a smooth sailing. And I, for once, will never believe that for everything that anyone achieved, it is because they were born for it. Nu-uh, no way! There must be a hard time they had to endure to somehow reach there. The sacrifices, the pains, the sweats. The bad and the sweetest of memory, probably have to be mixed up before anyone can confidently said that they are successful in the field they are in.

A GrandMaster from Korea once compliment my kick. As a Taekwondoist, I can already drop dead smiling at tht time.

I think about my sacrifices as I type this. I guess the driving force is the desire to be with it. I don't mind doing things repetitively. I don't mind doing things that I don't understand at first, as long as I know it will bring me the goodness in the future. I don't mind doing these all alone. I don't mind the loneliness, because anyone else doesn't really matter, and I also came to term that, different people has different ways and struggles, therefore I can't hope for people to follow my exact footsteps. I don't mind that too. 

I don't mind it - the blood, sweat and tears. If I could repeat it all over again, I guess I'll be doing just that! 

Of two Masters that I have an honor to learn with.

Now, you see, at times, I still full of doubt over it. I'm thinking hard at times about it. "Am I doing this right?" "Is there a better way to do this?" "Why there are seems like there aren't any progress?" "Am I taking risk teaching them something wrong, or worst, something that isn't effective at all?"

It was there all the time.

Sometimes when I think about it, I wonder, why did I even get to this business. I used to watch kung-fu movies, like Kungfu Panda for example, and thinking about it myself, "Is it good to teach other people what I know and risked that they used it for something bad and totally for the wrong reason than the reason I taught them at the first place?" "Will I raised a hero, or will I raised a villain?" "Would they become so powerful that I had no hope to defeat them at all if they go off-trail?" Or, "Would I turn up be bad, and that's going to effect them, and would destroy their life as they know it?"

Above and below: The Next Generation.

I know what you're thinking, that I am over thinking. But I can't escape this.

The thing is, what makes it worth it? To whom did I really owe this, that makes me seems to work so hard - without complain - as if I was trying to pay back whatever it is I seems to be on debt with?

Sometimes I think about, will I ever being out of this thing? Will I ever quit? It makes me thinking about how did it all started? How and when did I decided that this is something I want to do for the rest of my life? What or / and who has led me to believe that, I should stay and keep doing this?

Visiting Kukkiwon in 2013 was a dream come true.

Why did I feel like this is the most satisfying thing that I ever do, and why did I feel like I can live with this and forget about almost everything else in this world?

What pain me is that, as I type all those questions, my memory played-back to the moment where all of the questions been answered. Turns out, I know all along the answer for all that. This at least proved that, all that I ever did here (in Taekwondo) is from my own consciousness. And that is a good thing.

To be honest, at this length of this writing, I almost forgot already about why I wrote this at the first place. I guess it was that I was trying to find some meaning to it. Some reason, or some whatever, to justify everything it is. I wonder, I mean, if you can go back in time, and see 10 years old me, and you tell him that, "One day you're going to learn martial art, get black belt in it, have a school of students, and some will even genuinely look up to you, and some would probably didn't even want to see you in eyes anymore (for whatever reason it was?)." I know for a fact that he will be laughing off at you.

That's how far I came. From a boy who think martial arts are stupid in the era of guns, here I am, thinking about, how can I even get by without this kind of knowledge for a second?

I am here now. It wasn't easy.

To be fair, it wasn't the best achievement anyone ever achieved either. I can do something else in my life. In fact, instructor wasn't something I dream of about to become when I started it or ever in my life. I was even been mock as not good enough, been laugh off even at the idea of joining the art. I guess I can given up then. But I don't. I also can given up during all those years they make fun of my preference, but I don't. I can given up when - even after getting my first Dan - I couldn't even won a single sparring match, but I don't. I can given up after school years, going into matriculation, and without a proper training for a year, but I don't. I can given up when, while looking for Taekwondo club in my university during the Club Registration Week, where I can't find where the hell was Taekwondo booth at that time, but I don't. I can given up when, I came to realization that my university Taekwondo club and instructor wasn't an easy place to be and that even my junior belts sometimes better and have more potential than I am, but I don't. 

People come and go, but I stay. I'm not given up, and truth is, I can't see myself doing something else and be happy, more than I am when I'm doing this art.

And did I ask is it worth it?

Of course it is. With every single breath and every single beating of my heart beat...

Taekwondo, 5th Dan CMK
Taekwondo, 4th Dan Kukkiwon. 


Sunday, March 15, 2015

The Comedian

Heard a joke once:

Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in the threatening world. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Great Clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up."

Man burst into tears. Says,

"But doctor... I am Pagliacci."

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

How to Teach Taekwondo

How to train people Taekwondo?

As a Dan's holder, and someone who has been trained to coach, I have an obligation to teach when someone came up to me and ask me to train them Taekwondo. I'm not like an old master in the classic martial art movie when anyone who want to train under me need to somehow prove himself worthy or anything. I make it as if it was my social duty to share whatever it is that I know that can benefit the society. Martial arts included

But when someone ask me to teach them Taekwondo, the above question came to my.mind. Yes, how to teach?

Taekwondo is a modern martial art. What that's even mean?

Meaning that, other that it was form pretty new, that is after World War II. While the origin can be track long into ancient Korean's History, the current forms and organization of the art itself was not on the map until after World War II. It was one hell of long story and it wasn't the real purposed I was writing this, so I guess you have to google it yourself.

Also means that, Taekwondo, other than it's obvious striking technique used to hitting somebody or something, is also divided to certain, what we call, branches...

There are Sport's Taekwondo, Artistic/Gymnastic Taekwondo, Self-defense Taekwondo and also the basic/forms of it. All of the above combined will give you the whole Martial Arts Taekwondo.

But when people, ordinary, every day civilian people, ask you to teach them Taekwondo, it did occur to me, what types of Taekwondo did he want to learn?

The thing is, it will be different if the person go to a Taekwondo dojang and registered themselves to learn the arts (which I would always recommended of). Doing it properly means that you're up to train yourself on the whole Martial Arts of Taekwondo, which mean, learn all that I mentioned above.

The problem is when people asking me personally to train them in Taekwondo. Without registration. Without formality, without dobok (the uniform), without grading systems (the belts) and so on...

I mean, I can teach them certain self-defense technique if all that they want is to learn how to defense one-self on the street. But I will be lying to myself if I thought that will be enough for them to be able to used the technique learn in Taekwondo if they didn't train all the aspects of it!

Did they want to learn the striking part? Or the 'ninja move', which is to disable one opposition with less moved possible? Or to be able to kill someone with a single strike? Or flying around like the kungfu master watched in the Hong Kong finest movies? What would be their motivation?

If they are serious, I will suggest them to join the real class/dojang. If they aren't that serious, but only look for some self-defense tips, I would suggest them to just google it or watch it from the you tube or something.

You see, Taekwondo is a martial art as a whole, which mean, you can't call yourself a 'Master' without knowing all of the above (Sports, Artistic and Self-defense) parts of it. It just won't work. Or at least won't work as efficient as it would be. I mean, you probably didn't need to win a competition to proved that you're worthy of it, but at least you know all the principle, the philosophy of every aspect of it, and also to certain extent, can do it decent enough for you to used it in your own life, before even thinking about teaching others.

And when you're teaching others, you have to be absolute sure that they too will reach and understand all of the above, at least to the extent of your own understanding (even better if they understand it more than you do!)

Common people always have a misconception about the whole martial arts thing. Some said it gives you super power, the 'chi', whatever that enable you to defeated your opposition without even moving a single finger. Some said that it's enable you to defeat your enemy with a single moves and so on. The truth is, martial art is about defeating oneself from all the distraction around them and rise to the challenge lay on to them in life. Physical aspect of martial arts is to train the mental aspect of oneself. The best way of martial art usage is to win against the opponent without even laying a single finger on them, by using words (and action) of wisdom.

That is the actual goal!

Enable you to do combat is the bonus.

Monday, February 9, 2015


I don't really understand how's the world works...

Not that I really want to know or understand it, by the way.

I mean, I don't understand about half of things happening around me, or even what am I doing, but still...

I mean, like, I'm still living. So, it probably count for something, right?

I think I should go for lunch...

Wednesday, April 16, 2014


I always wanted to write here. In fact, whenever I'm far away from the keyboard and the screen, the idea is like a river flowing through. But whenever I open the blog and stare to it's blank page, my mind seems to go blank as well.

When I started this thing, I was in a total different situation than I am today. Unemployed and eager towards this world, but I always a man of his own opinion, so I'm not easily fall into the trend...

But now, since selling my soul to the office work (or lab-work, depending on your definition on it), the energy became flat too easy and too fast. Office criticism always can do harm on your confidence, and at times, you feel that nothing really matter. Doing the routine seems so important and being me, I can't afford to be selfish, but I think I probably did after all...

When (the second paragraph started with a, "When") I first take the job, actually it didn't stop me from writing. I find that blogging in English help me in keeping me in distance with the good language practice. Auto-correct helps a lot though, just like it's did on the sentence above. 

I think it's more about the feeling rather than everything else. The feeling definitely wasn't there the majority of time I think I want to write something here. I guess, people change, and by that I mean, people did change their opinions on things that they almost change themselves entirely. Did my point of view change? I can safely said so. It is for the better? That the question I can't never really answer with confident enough...

Was it even worth it? To be better?

It seems that's all that I ever struggled with before. In the end, it's never good enough. Then, we'll questioned it again. For whom that we struggled? For what end did we seek after all? 

We started playing a video game. There were high scores set up by previous player. Most likely someone we know. And then, before we know it, all that we ever did since is to break that record. No matter how many time we tried, how many time we feel that it was a stupid game and a stupid record nobody care for, we still find out we're struggling on it whenever we put our minds towards it.

I guess that's life...

We always wanted to be better. No matter how trivial that field or thing that we want to be better in it seems. Sometimes we forget that, nobody really cares, except us. I like to think it that way. At times, I think I can proved it IS that way. That my failure and my success is my own. That everything we did, if we didn't mind, then, it didn't matter. I wish I am right. But somehow I know, it wasn't the case. 

And it's frustrating...

No matter how alone we think we are, there always someone, or something that will contribute to our live as a whole. If there wasn't someone or at least, something at all, we've been dead already. Family for example, is always there for you. A safe place where you go back to it and straight away you can slot in, no matter how much they change as a unit or as a group. Yeah, you can have your disagreement, but, unless you're have a tragic experience with them, most likely you don't want anything bad ever happened to your family. And of course, family isn't necessarily define by blood-related...

And then, there is a stranger that you met once on the pavement on the walk-way to your office, maybe. You never speak, you barely noticed him, but can you say it, confident;y, that he never have an influence on your life? The mystery of life is, in the chain of events, something so small inflicted by a stranger most probably ended up you meet your fateful partner. Maybe...

And then, there's a person you wish you never meet. Or two. Maybe three... 

Make it four.

But then, back to the main question, was it worth it to be better?

I guess it's depend on what your take on this world are. What is your objective, and how well did the chain of events, will lead to influence that baby fish in the pond, somewhere in tropical country, to contribute better to our ecology as a whole. Or maybe at least it won't annoyed your own blog reader or the next person you speak to.

For me, I think the struggle will continue. Mostly because my heart is at war of what I believe in, with what my experience told me to. But at least, I can say it confidently, that I had my thread where I'm holding on. And as long as the thread  isn't wearing thin, I guess I'll hold up. The thing is, it's hard to be caring again after you decide you won't...

But I guess I'll learn to let go!