Lost Soul Search For Over And Over Again...

Saya belum mati lagi...

Tahniah! Tahniah!!

TalkIzCheap

I always wanted to write here. In fact, whenever I'm far away from the keyboard and the screen, the idea is like a river flowing through. But whenever I open the blog and stare to it's blank page, my mind seems to go blank as well.

When I started this thing, I was in a total different situation than I am today. Unemployed and eager towards this world, but I always a man of his own opinion, so I'm not easily fall into the trend...

But now, since selling my soul to the office work (or lab-work, depending on your definition on it), the energy became flat too easy and too fast. Office criticism always can do harm on your confidence, and at times, you feel that nothing really matter. Doing the routine seems so important and being me, I can't afford to be selfish, but I think I probably did after all...

When (the second paragraph started with a, "When") I first take the job, actually it didn't stop me from writing. I find that blogging in English help me in keeping me in distance with the good language practice. Auto-correct helps a lot though, just like it's did on the sentence above. 

I think it's more about the feeling rather than everything else. The feeling definitely wasn't there the majority of time I think I want to write something here. I guess, people change, and by that I mean, people did change their opinions on things that they almost change themselves entirely. Did my point of view change? I can safely said so. It is for the better? That the question I can't never really answer with confident enough...

Was it even worth it? To be better?

It seems that's all that I ever struggled with before. In the end, it's never good enough. Then, we'll questioned it again. For whom that we struggled? For what end did we seek after all? 

We started playing a video game. There were high scores set up by previous player. Most likely someone we know. And then, before we know it, all that we ever did since is to break that record. No matter how many time we tried, how many time we feel that it was a stupid game and a stupid record nobody care for, we still find out we're struggling on it whenever we put our minds towards it.

I guess that's life...

We always wanted to be better. No matter how trivial that field or thing that we want to be better in it seems. Sometimes we forget that, nobody really cares, except us. I like to think it that way. At times, I think I can proved it IS that way. That my failure and my success is my own. That everything we did, if we didn't mind, then, it didn't matter. I wish I am right. But somehow I know, it wasn't the case. 

And it's frustrating...

No matter how alone we think we are, there always someone, or something that will contribute to our live as a whole. If there wasn't someone or at least, something at all, we've been dead already. Family for example, is always there for you. A safe place where you go back to it and straight away you can slot in, no matter how much they change as a unit or as a group. Yeah, you can have your disagreement, but, unless you're have a tragic experience with them, most likely you don't want anything bad ever happened to your family. And of course, family isn't necessarily define by blood-related...

And then, there is a stranger that you met once on the pavement on the walk-way to your office, maybe. You never speak, you barely noticed him, but can you say it, confident;y, that he never have an influence on your life? The mystery of life is, in the chain of events, something so small inflicted by a stranger most probably ended up you meet your fateful partner. Maybe...

And then, there's a person you wish you never meet. Or two. Maybe three... 

Make it four.

But then, back to the main question, was it worth it to be better?

I guess it's depend on what your take on this world are. What is your objective, and how well did the chain of events, will lead to influence that baby fish in the pond, somewhere in tropical country, to contribute better to our ecology as a whole. Or maybe at least it won't annoyed your own blog reader or the next person you speak to.

For me, I think the struggle will continue. Mostly because my heart is at war of what I believe in, with what my experience told me to. But at least, I can say it confidently, that I had my thread where I'm holding on. And as long as the thread  isn't wearing thin, I guess I'll hold up. The thing is, it's hard to be caring again after you decide you won't...

But I guess I'll learn to let go!